Waiting for Tori – Part 1

I love to read other people’s birth stories; it always stirs up the emotions of having Tori and Josh. The experience I had with each of my children is vastly different from each other, but the one thing that remains the constant is the emotion.

I can’t go into much detail with Joshua’s birth, I really don’t have much recollection of it, I just remember being over whelmed with loneliness and excitement all at once. Because, that how it was, I was “alone” and I was excited. I get sad looking back at it, but it’s because of him that I am where I am, he was the force pushing me from behind to do better, I hope I have done him well.

Tori on the other hand, that’s still fresh in my mind. This kid, she is my softest spot ever. I look at her in amazement, and still go “wow” you are here and you are my baby!

So here is my Tori Story (hehehehe):

Falling pregnant with Josh was easy, and that’s only because I wasn’t trying. After Josh however, I was adamant that my next baby would be born in wedlock! Simple really, get married, have babies, live happy ever after.

Well not quite, after struggling for almost 2 years, Philip and I realized something was wrong and we needed help! After many consultations, timed cycles, test, ops to remove endometriosis, medication that turned me into an evil dragon, my husband being forced to do things in a lab no man should have to, a near divorce and just plain old depression and a diagnosis of secondary infertility, I threw in the towel.
I resigned myself to the fact I will always only have one child and that that should be good enough. I counted myself lucky, because on my journey to conceive I had met many women, who have tried harder and longer, cried more and hurt more and STILL had nothing out of the deal. YES I was Lucky!

Then in Feb 2010, I just didn’t feel right, I was sick and lethargic and just plain blergh. I drag myself to the doc and it was discovered I was pregnant. I did not expect it; it was the last thing on my mind! I rushed and told every single Tom, Dick and Harry that cared to listen. But alas it was not meant to be and I lost the baby. It was tough but I could deal with it, for some reason, it just didn’t sit right with me anyways. Fate played his hand.

Philip and I decided it would be best to give my mind, body and soul time to recuperate and in April 2010 I told him that I felt ready to “try” again. I wasn’t holding out much hope especially after it took as nearly 3 and a half years to conceive the first one. I had such little faith, that I had even scheduled surgery to fix a hernia for June. Never the less I ended up having to cancel the surgery because low and behold, I had fallen pregnant again. I was over the moon. I consulted my gp and he set up scans every 2nd week to ease my very paranoid mind.

Our first scan was at 5 weeks, and I got to see my beautiful bean, but because it was too early there was no visible heart beat. We went back at 8 weeks to see our bean, and still not heart beat. The radiographer rescheduled for 2 day later.

It’s a day I will never ever forget. 11 June 2010!

There was hype and excitement in the air , all across the country, it was the opening of the Fifa Soccer World Cup. Philip couldn’t make it to the scan because of that (he had a function) and I told him not to be silly, its just one scan out of many.

I remember the look on the radiographers face after she had tried for 15 min to find the heart beat, I knew by then already, she simply looked at me and said find a doctor.

It was the one day when there were no doctors available, they all left early to enjoy the festivities! I literally called 10 and none could help me then, So I drove myself off to the ER and they gave me an injection and told me to go home and wait, the baby will come away on its own.

A piece of me died that day. I choke just typing this.

The next morning I was not functional and my aunt took me back to the ER and I was admitted. The doctor did a scan and my baby died at 7 weeks 3days. I was given more medication, put in a drip and I waited for the contractions. The nurses kept the pethidine following so my body was numb, but it didn’t stop my heart from breaking with every ache.

I remember waking up and my dad was next to my bed holding my hand, I was sobbing in my sleep. He held me so tight, as if he was trying to absorb the pain. I woke up again and my husband was sobbing next to my bed, he has no idea I saw that, I woke up again and my bestest best was there stroking my hair giving me love. I woke up again and I wished I hadn’t . Through all this my husband stayed next to me, he saw things that no man should have to and put his own pain aside to keep me going.

The Monday morning, the doctor realized I was not losing the baby and that I would need a D&C, I was wheeled into theatre and in a few minutes my baby was gone from me forever. I wish that this option was chosen first, it was easier to deal with.

I was scarred and I still am, I think about my angel and I wonder what he/ she would have been like?

It took me a while to get myself into a functioning person. I sought help when I knew I was on a slippery slope of hectic decline and I did my best, I sought medical attention for health issues that could have caused my loss and I rescheduled my hernia op for the 23rd August 2010, because if I fell pregnant again, I wanted no medication to be the cause of my loss.

I was diagnosed with thyroid problems and given pregnancy meds to sort that out and I had my Hiatus Hernia fix. I lost 15kgs, and I was getting back on my feet feeling good about me.

Philip and I decided to give it more time before we tried again………

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